PHILEMON

Boss: Where were you born?
Philemon: Zimbabwe.
Boss: Which part?
Philemon: What "which part"? Whole body was born in Zimbabwe.

Philemon and his friend were fixing a bomb in a car.
Friend: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing?
Philemon: Don't worry, i have one more.

Philemon: What is the name of your car?
Lady: i forgot the name but it starts with 'T'.
Philemon: Oh, what a strange car,starts with tea. All cars that i know start with petrol

Philemon joined a new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what Philemon did till evening.
Philemon: Keyboard letters were not in Alphabetical order, so i made it alright.

Museum admin: That's a 500-year old statue you've broken.
Philemon: Thank God: I thought it was a new one

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand,oh
Philemon: Control yourself. Don,t cry. see that man, he has lost his head,is he crying?

Philemon: you cheated me.
shopkeeper: no, i sold a good radio to you
Philemon: Radio label shows made in Japan but radio says this is radio zimbabwe!

Tourist: whose skeleton is that?
Philemon: an old king's skeleton.
Tourist: whose is that smaller skeleton next to it?
Philemon: that was the same king when he was a child.

Philemon: you know somebody actually complimented on my driving today. they left a note on my windscreen and it said, "parking fine". so that was nice!

THE VALUE OF TIME!

The value of time can never be over emphasized. Different people attach different meanings or importance to time, some wish they had more than twenty four hours in a day and some just ..well,let the time go. Some seem to get so much done in so little time while some just seem never to know what they have to do much less how to go about.
I am not going to talk about time management,which is very important and we will discuss this some other time,i simply want to show you what the value of time means to different people:

.........to know the value of a year, ask an extra year student in a university.
.........to know the value of a month, ask a woman who just had a premature baby.
.........to know the value of a week, ask a footballer with a slight injury.
.........to know the value of a minute, ask the man who just missed a bus and finally
to know the value of a second, ask the man who came second at the Beijing olympics behind Usian Bolt.

It is as valuable as what you ascribe to it,make it count.
later..............................

TOP TEN PICKPOCKETING CITIES

Pickpocketing is a true art and whilst thieves can strike anywhere, home or abroad, tourist hot-spots often yield far richer-pickings. The combination of an awe-struck traveller and a bag bulging with local currency, not to mention passports, cameras and credit cards, is an appealing prospect for any light-fingered thief,” said Amelie Hurst, TripAdvisor spokeswoman. According to Amelie, the top ten cities are:

1. Barcelona, Spain
One TripAdvisor reviewer compares Barcelona pickpocketing to a generally practiced and accepted sport, like football. For those who'd rather stay off the field, take caution: Las Ramblas, the famous wide, pedestrian walkway full of life, music, and people at all hours of the day and night, is the perfect place to get your purse poached.

2. Rome, Italy
With its ancient buildings and astounding historical and cultural attractions, Rome is full of both tourists and incredible things to sightsee. With thousands of people admiring the Trevi Fountain or the Pantheon, it's easy for a pickpocket to lift a camera or purse with a quick snip of scissors or some clever handiwork with a zipper.

3. Prague, Czech Republic
The famously beautiful Charles Bridge is lined with 30 baroque-style statues, as well as thousands of tourists who crowd its ancient stones each year, making a perfect recipe for pickpocketing. Before taking in the view of the Vltava River and the Prague Castle beyond, be sure valuables are strapped down.

4. Madrid, Spain
El Rastro flea-market and the crowded metro are often cited as spots where unfriendly pickpocket schemes can put a damper on a visit to this beautiful city. However, travellers should also beware that in museums ( Madrid has many) pickpockets can be crafty as well, preying on distracted tourists.

5. Paris, France
The City of Light draws enormous crowds from the base of the Eiffel Tower to the steps of Sacré-Coeur and everywhere in between. But enormous crowds can also be found below ground, in the city's metro system, where travellers should be especially cautious.

6. Florence, Italy
It is certainly easy to see why tourists would be distracted by the majestic beauty of Michelangelo's David and the other incredible and awe-inspiring works of art and pieces of history all around Florence . When admiring Michelangelo's creation, or at its replica in busy Piazza della Signoria , be alert that others may have their attention on your wallet.

7. Buenos Aires, Argentina
Buenos Aires is a vibrant and culturally rich city with much to offer, from the famed Teatro Colon to the city's many distinct neighborhoods. However, if while sightseeing you find you are suddenly covered in “bird droppings” (likely mustard) and a “friendly” local (likely a thief) happens to be standing by with napkins to help you clean up, beware.

8. Amsterdam , Netherlands
It's easy to get carried away in Amsterdam with so many fun things to see and do, but don't be too taken in by the canals and the friendly, laid-back atmosphere – pickpocketers have been known to take advantage of countless tourists in this enchanting city.

9. Athens , Greece
This legendary city features countless ancient monuments, many of which are outdoors. Whether visiting the Parthenon on the Acropolis, or anything else in this magnificent historic city, keep the bags close to your chest while your eyes admire the rest.

10. Hanoi , Vietnam
The capital of Vietnam has its charming Old Quarter, littered with monuments and colonial architecture, and the city also features 600 temples and pagodas, making it a beautiful and unique place to visit, but also a place to stay alert for mischief.

TripAdvisor's Top 5 Tips to Avoid Being Pickpocketed

1. Never keep your wallet or valuables in your back pocket, even if it buttons up—it's by far the easiest target.

2. Beware of the distraction tactic, such as dropping something near you, squirting something on you, or simply jostling you. Be on guard when in crowds, and secure your belongings.

3. Pickpockets often work in pairs or groups and it's not just the usual suspects. Be cautious with any strangers—sometimes people who don't look like they'd be a threat, such as children or the elderly, can be part of larger operations.

4. Stay alert in confined spaces and near passageways. Try to avoid standing near the doorways of trains as groups of pickpockets can rush at you when the doors open.

5. Before you set off on a trip, pare down the contents of your handbag or wallet – the smaller the bulge, the less likely pickpockets are to covet it.

NATURAL INTIMACY

When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.'

This is beautiful! Try not to cry.

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: 'How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him ?'
The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.'
Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more ? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?' The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.'
Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair ?' the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.
The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. I said no at first,but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom'. She went on, My Jimmy had a heart of gold, always thinking of someone else, always wanting to help others if he could.
Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.
The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house.She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.
It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter, the letter said :
'Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You'. I will always love you mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him ? God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, i don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me.The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

MARRIAGE MYTHS

THE MYTH OF VIRAL LOVE
This myth insists that love is caught, much like a virus. Some enchanted evening when you happen to be in the right place at the right time, it will zap you. You will catch the bug and enter a lifetime of unending bliss! The trouble is, when we are worn out taking care of three kids, two jobs and a second mortgage, the virus subsides. In the whirlwind of dishes, nappies and daily routines, something has to give. So romance vacates center stage and reality takes over. When it does, we confuse romance for true love and so think it (real love) has moved out and that we need to follow it. The truth is, love does not die because romance bows to reality. If two people who once fell in love are willing to stand together in love through the challenges and oppurtunities of ramily life, romance can grow again, stronger and more resilient than ever. Love based solely on romance does not work when for better meets for worse. Romance based on a decision to love till death do us part is the only love that is dependable, consistent and trustworthy. Note, romance brings us together, this kind of love keeps us together!

THE MYTH OF THE RIGHT PERSON
This suggests that happiness in marriage depends entirely on finding the right person. It is said to be a matter of luck, Cupid, the alignment of stars, the moon hitting the eye, e..t.c, and occasionally even God. Just find the right person and they will make your life supremely happy, romantic, excited, fulfilled and blissful. It is always up to the other person. And nothing ever felt more convincingly real or right! Despite the advice of friends and family, we will give away the farm and turn ourselves inside out to keep this addictive, magic happening. When it stops, as it will definitely stop, three things happen: (1) we cry, manipulate, bribe and later blame that right person for changing on us and making us miserable. (2) we label them "the wrong person" and either search for another right person or give up on the opposite sex as being false, faithless and fickle.(3) we learn the truth; there is no right person to make us happy always. At that point we are set free to find happiness by becoming the right person, the one God created us to be, giving generously, allowing others to be real, limited, changeable humans and looking to God for joy.

HOW BAD CAN IT BE?

We don't hear much about Abraham Lincoln's defeats because his victories were so notable. But also notable is the fact that for much of his life the odds were against him. Check these out: His mother died when he was nine. In 1832 he lost an election to the Illinois state legislature. In 1849 he was rejected as the commissioner for the general lands office. He lost senate races in 1855 and 1858, and in between failed to win a vice-presidential nomination. However, the most painful losses were the deaths of his four-year old and twelve-year old sons. Born in the backwoods of Kentucky, Lincoln had only a few months of 'blab school', a school without books where students
repeated the teacher's words. he taught himself mathematics, read the classics and worked on his writing and speaking skills using the bible as his model. His philosophy was, "i will study and prepare, and when the time comes i will be ready". He once told a friend, "bear in mind, your own resolution to succeed is more important than any
other thing". His Gettysburg address is one of the most notable speeches in history. During the darkest days of the civil war he said,"i do the very best i know how and i mean to keep on doing it to the end"